im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
