And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
