I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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