After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
