mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
