I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
