If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
