did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
