dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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