Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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