It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
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