i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
