my phone needs a breathalizer
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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