the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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