I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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