I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Randomize