Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
