seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize