tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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