Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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