Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
