My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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