seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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