hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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