She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
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