There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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