my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
