WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
