i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
