just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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