I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
im six kinds of drunk right now
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
