hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
