the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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