Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
i will never coherently bang her
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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