my sisters under your porch take her home
i wish my penis had a tongue
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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