he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Randomize
