just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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