I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
