My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
These tits shall not be calmed
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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