I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
