I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
