How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
