I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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