Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
