either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
