So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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