I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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