Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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