I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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