My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
