So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Randomize
