By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
