I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
