so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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