Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
