I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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