Who did Billy Mays play for?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
