Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
