so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
