I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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