I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
