I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
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