You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
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