I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You are the jesus of drinking
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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