Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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