Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
