drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
