I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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