Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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