Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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