yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
