I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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